Vive DNL

Artwork by Johnny Cago

GREETINGS!!! My name is…..Lord Jabu-Jabu, the patron deity of the Zoras. Did you bring me food? Ah, good, good. You shall now have your monthly Jabuscope read……what….? You don’t believe me? I know all that there is to know! You doubt my powers?

I AM THE GREAT ONE!

Look….I even know your name before you can tell me….it’s….Timmy, right? SEE! I am–what?! You’re name not Timmy? I see….I see…..you have come to me because you have lost your identity….no? Then why name not Timmy? Your name is Timmy!

What? You just want your Zeldascope? Fine, then….enter my chamber….but beware……BEWWWWAAARRRRE!

Aries: You feel more sociable this month, so definitely stock up on some items from Food Castle. May I recommend Darunia’s Dirty Nachos? They’re scrumpous, though I wonder how he makes them so warm……err…anyway! There’s some good fortune coming your way around July 14th, so look out for that. Could it be that the pair of Link’s sweaty undergarments that you ordered from Ebay will be shipped to your house today? Let’s sure hope so!

Taurus: You’re in the middle of a heated argument, and it’s time for one of you to step back from it and just do the Goron. How? Well, just for 14 easy installments of $19.99, you’ll learn how to eat, dance, and roll like a Goron. Order now and you’ll get a free burrito kit with seven different types of salsa, starting from Mongolian to Polish salsas!!! Get yours today!

Gemini: Why did the cuccos cross the road? Because I threw him! Hahahaha! You’ll be the center of attention this month, and everyone’s looking to you for a laugh. Give the people what they want and hide some new jokes up your sleeve….like, “What do you call cheese that’s not yours?” “Nacho cheese!” Hahahaha! That always gets the brown stains coming in my pants! Good luck!

Cancer: Ooooh…some of you have a birthday this month! Happy day of thy birth to you!! Make sure to save me some cake! I love cake! Cake makes great shaving cream! And does so much when cleansing your pores! Ahh….anyway….hmm…I don’t see much happening for you this month. Seems like a lazy month for you, but toward the last week….your life will soon turn hectic. Beware, my fellow Jabu. Watch your back for Skeletos…

Leo: Love sucks…..well, at least that what you think this month. Your partner/crush has been acting kinda funky lately, like Link’s undergarments that Aries bought on Ebay! Well, just keep your head up and try not to let the little things get to you about that deku nut–er, crush/partner. And carry some deodorant with you if they start getting really annoying if you know what I mean. It’s that smell….that smelly smell that smells…..smelly…

Virgo: Since your road trip is over, you’re bored out of your mind. Why not try arts and crafts? Make a deku shield and sword! That would be awesome! Then start going up to random people and start sticking them in the back and take their rupees…..wait, that’s illegal? *starts hearing sirens* Err…you’re on your own, Timmy!! AHHHHH!

Libra: Girl, your charm makes us wanna do favors for you and tell you super secrets. We enjoy being with you. Hey, Timmy, I like your butt attitude; let me do your laundry!

Scorpio: Brianna, isn’t it time you paid homage to the Great Deku Tree? Yeah, I know he gypped you on your rupees when he said he can grow apples. But look on the bright side he still lives. Just let the issue be rubbed away with a tissue.

Sagittarius: Haha, you’re a Sag! *cough* Strive to compromise a relationship whether it be on with your dog Fluffly or your mom, or just do your homework.

Capricorn: Forget the old saying: Rupees drain your happiness. If you’re feeling blue — hehee I live there — then spend some of your rupees on something sweet to your delight. I know if I got some rupees, boy, I’d be buying me some codfish or calamari, not that nasty stuff Ruto feeds me. Blah! What’s in the fish? I only eat it ’cause I tend to hunger every five minutes. And then every 20 minutes, I send out some mushy stuff from the back. Uh, and remember that other saying: fun with rupees!

Aquarius: Um… *silence* Well, in many causes… *continued silence* Uh… *silence echos* For many different reasons… *silence that seems for an eternity* Uh… *continued silence for eternity* Bah, screw that! Just get a suntan!